Letting Go...The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done.

Image Credit:  www.livelifehappy.com and #rehabtime

It’s that time…time to walk away.  I am forced to walk away from my husband and all of the future dreams I had with him.  I cannot hold on anymore to a love that is one-sided.  I cannot hold on anymore to a man who chooses  to turn away, to reject, to payback, to hurt and to deceive.  I know that I fought so hard.  I know I held on with all of my strength, but it wasn’t enough.  It was never enough.  God knows, I tried.  I couldn’t compete with the continuous lies, rejection and the other woman.  I couldn’t compete and I couldn’t knit back together the pieces of our brokenness without the pieces he was holding on to.  I could only knit the pieces of our marriage back together that I held…they were delicate and beautiful to me, but they weren’t enough.  I tried so hard, but there were gaps…huge gaps where his pieces were missing.  I begged, pleaded, cried, embraced and took on all of the blame for everything…I loved him more.  He convinced himself that we were not worth saving.  He convinced himself that she was worth more.  He convinced himself that our family wasn’t worth it.  He convinced himself that hating me was better than choosing to love me.  He convinced himself that I was his enemy when I know I love him so deeply and genuinely.  He justified his adulterous affair with this woman…he actually justified it.  Mourning the death of your dreams, your family and your marriage while you are alive and in it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I clung to my husband. I wanted to try and make him see clearly while his mind was fogged.   I tried to claw my way to his heart.  I wanted to shake him and say, “Wake up!  I am here!  We can do this.  Choose love…choose us!”, but I realize it wouldn’t have done any good.  He sold his soul and betrayed his commitment to me over two years ago.  He stepped out of our marriage then and since then, I never had a chance.  When your spouse decides and chooses to hate you, to blame you, to reject you, to cheat on you, to deceive you and to blatantly dismiss you and disregard you relentlessly…time and time again…it’s over.  Nothing I could’ve said or did say mattered.  I was a blinded fool.  I thought what we had was worth the fight.  I thought what we could have was worth the fight.  He didn’t.  It didn’t help much that he had another woman whispering in his ear that we weren’t worth the fight either.  Do you know what it is like to have a serpent slithering into your relationship wrapping her spineless scales around the heart of the man you love…around your husband and the father of your children?  Do you know what it’s like to beg that seed of Satan to back away from your family and your husband only to be mocked?  To have the man you married and whom you believe would never stray walk away and behave in ways you never dreamed is devastating.  It wasn’t once or twice or even three times, but it was an ongoing lie day after day.  The enemy penetrated our marriage in many ways, but hatred and unforgiveness were the primary ways my husband was stolen from me.  No matter what I did wrong, our children and I should’ve never been treated this way.  He should’ve walked away if that was his hearts desire.  Do you know what it is like to be made to feel you are crazy or a nag because you have the expectations of your spouse that they not cheat on you, they not lie to you, they not dismiss and disregard you?  It’s a very painful spot to question your sanity.   You see, this choice was not mine…it never was.  It was his.  I was only in control of me and I know I did what I could do.  I couldn’t control him.  I couldn’t make him.  I couldn’t sway him.  So, when the level of disrespect had become too much to bare and began to involve our children, I knew it was time to let go.  He isn’t able to see clearly in order to maintain a level of respect anymore.  He is blinded by his anger and his lust.  In this, I let go.  I set him free.  I love him enough to set him free and I love me enough to never hurt like this again!  I cannot hold him to his commitment anymore.  I cannot impress upon him the vow that he made with me before our God.  I cannot make him believe my sorrow for the ways I have hurt him and have contributed to our demise.  I cannot make him forgive.  I cannot make him value what we have and the future of our children…he has to see this on his own and he just doesn’t.  His need for payback and his desire to see me suffer was so strong that it overtook his good sense and the good character he once possessed.  Now, he is with her and he believes lying about it will somehow manipulate the truth.  He believes it isn’t seen.  I know that in his heart and in his gut, he knows what he is doing is wrong.  He knows that investing in this other woman and becoming the very man he promised he would never be is wrong...for him.  He knows, but he doesn’t care right now.  He is so focused on my wrongs and my failures that he refuses to look at himself.  He cannot change me, he cannot change what I have done, he cannot change the past, but he is solely in control of his current choices and for that…he is guilty.  So, I will walk away.  I will give him what he has been fighting for over the past two years…freedom from me, the flushing away of his family for her.  I will not restrain him anymore in what small way I could.  I will let him end up with this harlot and he will have to see for himself who she is one day when his mind is clear.  He will have to look at his children and realize the devastation he caused.  I am responsible for me, but he is responsible for him.  So, to you...my husband...I let you go.  I loved you and I still love you.  May you find the happiness you seek.