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So, for my second post...I want to talk about my marriage and my husband! Today, is my husbands 45th birthday. Woot, woot! Happy Birthday Babe! Nothing quite like putting it all out there for his birthday! However, I am a real person and I am always going to be as real as possible with all of you. If my story can inspire or help you...that's what I want. As I reflect on what I want to say or need to say, it came to me that my marriage lately has been a lot like the events of a storm during the summer in Georgia. I think about how there is angry thunder, heavy winds, forceful rain and scary lightening. A storm can bring about so much uncertainty. At any moment, that storm can destroy so much. Then, after that storm, often times there can be a rainbow which is a symbol of hope and promise. As the storm and the rainbow pass...the sun eventually shines again. As many of you know, my husband and I have been through some very choppy waters recently. For us, our separation and near divorce was our ultimate storm. There have been moments in which our marriage almost didn't survive. For various reasons, I lost sight of my husband...the real him and at times, I felt he lost sight of me too. During our separation, we were saturated in anger toward each other and I had a perceived need to "protect" myself by basically tearing my husbands world apart...although at the time, I didn't see it that way. I assumed he was out to get me so I fought him even before the fight started. He didn't live at home anymore and financially, I was trying to get him to care for the children and me not considering how this would affect him. Also, past resentments and wounds left untended will do that...lead to unnecessary destruction. And just like sand, my marriage and my husband slipped through my fingers. I felt I was left holding nothing. I had never felt so desperate before. I never felt so alone. I had many people showing me compassion and love, but I was ultimately alone. The aching in my heart and the uncertainty I felt was mine and there was nobody else who knew exactly what I was feeling. I was so angry, so hurt, so...everything! Honestly, I think I just wanted to fight it out because I was so angry. Mostly, I was confused even when I believed I knew what I was doing. Anyway, I turned to Him...to my Father. I cried out in agony and desperation like I never had before and He was there! He was embracing me! He was carrying me! I was alone, but for Him. He never left me! He knew my pain, my internal struggle and He knew what was best for me. My realization as to the depth of His very personal love for ME and my realization that I was truly His was life changing! Even though I had always known He loved me and I had always known I was His...He used this time to make it so crystal clear. For me, the anger began to subside as did the resentment and blame. I began to look at myself and I began to observe my failures. I had an epiphany really...I can only be in control of me. I can only change me and I am solely accountable for my failures and wrongs! For so long, I was so focused on my husband and my perception of his wrongs that he had been committing. Eventually, I could no longer see how my sense of superiority and righteousness brought me down and ultimately almost led to the demise of my marriage. I realized, it really didn't matter what he did...he was in control of him and I was in control of me. I had to accept that focusing solely on him was wrong! During this painful separation and my time with God, I realized I had failed my husband as a wife even before our separation! I failed! I was selfish not selfless. I put me first not him. I was too busy resenting him to even affirm him. Because he wasn't who I thought he should be based on what this Facebook world told me he was supposed to be, I took for granted a good man. Sure, he had faults and flaws, but that was all I could see...the smaller, more irrelevant things. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and God led me back to my husband. The thing is, he came back to me too! That was the storm...our time apart and my growing pains. Then, came the rainbow...that's where we are right now. I jumped back in full force ready to be the wife that God had called me to be. My husband was more hesitant. but willing. He was there, but not fully. He was and is so afraid. Our rainbow is a time of healing, rebuilding, reconnecting and regaining trust. It has proven to be a much slower process for him, but because I know my Father has brought us to this place, I have faith that my husband will ultimately fall in line with God's purpose in this. This time has also included others deliberately attempting to destroy something that they have no business being a part of and that is a covenant between us and God. You'd be amazed at the snakes who slither in the grass looking to deceive and strike. Their attempts are constant and relentless. Their darkness is so obvious to me and they know what they are doing, but still continue to do it. The moral compass of those like this is non-existent. But, there is a rainbow in the sky revealing God's promise. Not even snakes can undo His promise. Ultimately, I will stand by my husband and I believe he will stand by me. In the end, I pray there will be sunshine just as there was before. So, that's what I look to...that is my goal. Let the sunshine in! Soon the storm will be a distant memory and an experience that only deepens our love for one another, the rainbow will fade and the sun will be shining so bright! Oh how I look to those days. I know they will come. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe that. So, I am going to keep loving my Love! I am going to keep looking to that rainbow and that sunshine and I will leave the snakes for God to handle! I am grateful for God's mercy in this and for His healing. Love is patient...love is kind. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love NEVER fails! Stay tuned...
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