Finding My Focus...

Image Credit: @voicingtruths

It’s been a while since I have blogged.  I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately.  Today, I want to talk about trusting God through the turbulence.  Logically, I know I need to trust God.  As a child of God, I know I need to trust God.  Having trusted God in the past to carry me through the roughest of storms, He did in so many ways.  However, today…I confess, I am having a hard time trusting God.  I want to trust Him.  I want so desperately to believe He will help me!  I want to find reassurance in Him.  Lately, I feel as if God has been missing in action, silent, absent and as if he has forsaken me.  While, I know these things are not true…I struggle with this storm I am in and have been in for quite some time.  I have been going through this same steady storm for about three years.  While I have seen God do miraculous work while the storm raged over a three-year period, it’s as if the storm only calms for a moment.  Then, the seas begin wreaking havoc again.  I often times…most of the time feel like I am drowning and as I call out to Him, He only keeps my head just above water.  I ask why so long Dear Father?  Why won’t you take this pain from me Dear Father?  Where are you Dear Father?  The relief I need and that I’m begging for is something that I sincerely believe is His will.  My heart is genuine in seeking Him, His will and His purpose in all of this.  I know He sees that, but I feel alone.  I have thought many times, maybe He is teaching me something, maybe He is growing me, maybe He is equipping me or maybe it is not His timing, but three years is so long for me.  Feeling forsaken or alone is a dark and desperate place to be especially when it is your Father you are crying out to.  To Him, time is not like it is for us and I realize that.  Three years to me is a very long time to be lost out in the storm begging for relief.  I remember His promise of, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest”.  I am weary and I need rest!  So, why am I not receiving rest?  This is His promise to me.  How long must I hurt?  How long must I be in pain?  How long does He expect me to endure?  As a human…just a human, I don’t know how I can.  Where are You God?  Why are You silent?  When will You rescue me? 

I then find myself dealing with knowing how to respond while in the storm.  This is one of my biggest struggles every single day.  I find myself thinking, I know how to react and respond while I am caught up in this raging sea, but I don’t!  I don’t know what to do!  Most days, I find myself just barely breathing and then BAM…the next several days or weeks, I am left so desperate, helpless and defeated!  One step forward and three HUGE steps back.  I pray continuously for God to provide me with His direction and His wisdom as I walk through each day.  I need Him to show me HOW to get through this as I am going through it.  I do feel like a lost child searching for her Father!  It’s really tough as a believer when you go through this. 

If I am honest about it all…I know I have not been on my knees in prayer as I should be and I know I need to saturate myself in His word.  As one of my favorite songs states, “I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground”.  As I type this, I guess I am answering my own questions.  He needs to become my focus.  My problem is my focus now.  Wow!  He is not my focus right now…that’s the truth I am realizing.  I find myself justifying not putting Him first because I am so overwhelmed and desperate for relief with my current situation.  Maybe this issue has become an idol in my life?  It’s easy to unintentionally place idols before us so that we cannot reach our Father. I guess I have just thought that as His child, if I am hurting, in genuine pain, seeking His will and welcoming Him in…He would rescue me…at least within a three-year timeframe.  Maybe that isn’t true?  The truth is, I don’t have all of the answers.  The truth is, I am far from a good saint or perfect Christian.  I have so much more to learn and so many more ways to grow.  Often, my human thoughts and my human nature take over.

Now, as hard as it is…I will try to indulge in Him and put Him first.  The problem will follow and cannot consume me anymore.  TRUST…it’s a very hard thing…I must trust in Him.  I must focus on Him.  In doing this, His solution or answer will surely come.

Image Credit: EmilysQuotes.com